How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
#CatsOnTwitter
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one