I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
You Might Also Like
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*