I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
So we got a goldfish…
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient