Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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Never let them know your next move 😂
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
#Caturday
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.