*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Going to church you guys need anything
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse