Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
You can’t rush stupid.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
🏙👨🏼
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.