look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Just a bush.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂