the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.