Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Great Canadian literature.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.