i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.