Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
thinking about a very short hotdog
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.