It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…