I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I am all good here, 😂😉
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it