If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Banking tips
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.