I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared