my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.