After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.