[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.