When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”