neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
This was my dad’s browser history.