[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages