It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.