Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*