INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Nice try Hitler
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”