there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.