quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy