[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me My dog
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.