Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.