teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Beauty and the Beast
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here