Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
You got this…
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable