Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.