You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.