Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?