What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You Might Also Like
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Coffee for people with no kids
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.