all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
you gotta be faster
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
new career option?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.