[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator