*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire