Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
All generalizations are stupid.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.