I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand