my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Just got to our Airbnb!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
This kid is a star!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance