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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.