My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
🐕🍷
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod