Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40