A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?