I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.