just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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#CoronaOutbreak
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: