My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Don’t we all.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂