Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.