A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.