My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Not even remotely sorry.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.